


That was alright, wasn’t it?

by ShiaSae



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:47:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29670933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShiaSae/pseuds/ShiaSae
Summary: Hyunjin, so sad and so beautiful was dragging Chan’s attention until it was really not alright.
Relationships: Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	That was alright, wasn’t it?

He was flying, and his arms seemed like wings, eyes were following the tops of his fingertips, like he was trying to reach something, desperately. He fell — no — melted on the floor, so tender, so beautiful. And then he sobbed.

— Hyunjin?

Hyunjin sat up straight, astonished to find out he was not alone.

Ban Chan regretted the moment words left his mouth, but it was too late now.

— Are you…

— I’m alright, — Hyunjin cut off.

Ban Chan hesitated. When the silence became uncomfortable, he spoke. 

— You can tell me, — quiet, still unsure.

— Tell you what? — response, but only after a moment, so Ban Chan sensed he was considering to tell him. 

— Whatever it is. I might not understand, but I’ll listen, — he shrugged, his voice was still quiet, but a little more confident. 

Hyunjin opened his mouth. Then closed. He considered. I could talk to somebody, could I? But not to him. Although… I am not stupid enough to say too much. And talking to someone would feel so good. Soo good. I need a friend — oh god I really, really…

He started sobbing again, and Ban Chan came closer, then sat on the floor, so close he could touch this crying boy. He didn’t.

It was so odd for Hyunjin to be like that. He was the group’s drama queen, he was loud, dragging everyone’s attention to the smallest concern. If Hyunjin was upset, he was screaming — not sobbing, quietly, on the floor. When no one is watching. Afraid to be seen. He didn’t see this boy being so broken for a long, long time.

Ban Chan waited.

— I just, — started Hyunjin, wiping his eyes, — sometimes I feel soo much. I know this sounds stupid, but I’m not exaggerating. Or maybe I am, I don’t know, it’s just.. like back in that time when I couldn’t make myself leave my bed or do anything because I felt so heavy.

We all did — Ban Chan thought, but said nothing. 

— It’s like that, but… different. I learned how to dance through it, and I feel better, but sometimes I am so exhausted and helpless, and I’m still so caught up in my head I can’t get out, I can’t make it stop, and I don’t know what to do with those feelings for him, I just… — his voice broke, and Chan’s heart broke a little bit, too.

— So is there, um, — he didn’t know how to put it, — are those feelings towards somebody in particular or you just feel a lot? — Ban Chan was’t sure he heard what he heard.

Hyunjin looked him in the eye — then down. 

— Yes, — quietly. He wished he could stop tears from coming. He couldn’t. 

Ban Chan noticed that Hyunjin was shivering now, and couldn’t stop his hand from touching the boy’s shoulder. He thought about him as a little boy maybe because he was so vulnerable. 

Hyunjin broke under this tenderness, and now cried out loud.

— I think, — he began, still sobbing, — I think I may be… gay, — he whispered the last word, but Ban Chan heard him very clearly, and this news was unexpectedly relieving, which made him feeling guilty because it shouldn’t be. He was so confused he stopped following what was going on inside his head and focused on Hyunjin. 

Hyunjin hid his face in his hands, then brushed his hair back, putting elbows on his knees and froze. Ban Chan had to put away his hand or it would be awkward, but he moved closer this time, so that his hips almost touched Hyunjin’s ankle, but not quite. If he leaned to the left, his shoulder would be against Hyunjin’s knee, he thought. Then he unthought it. 

— I mean, maybe I’m just confused because I know I like girls too, I remember liking them, like the one in my first training year, I really liked her. — he moved his head just enough for Ban Chan to see his eyes — still bright with tears and so desperate. 

— Oh yeah, that one, — one could hear annoyance in his voice if one would be paying attention very closely. Hyunjin wasn’t. 

— And… yeah, there is this person… I mean, that could be just affection, or admiration, or something else, right? Oh god, I am so confused, I don’t want anybody to find out… — he looked at Chan — you are not gonna tell anyone, right? Please?

— Of course I won’t, why would I?

Hyunjin shrugged. Looked down, somewhere between his feet.

Ban Chan was brave enough to put his hand on Hyunjin’s knee.

— You can talk to me, you know. You don’t have to go trough this alone.

Hyunjin started crying again, silent this time. Ban Chan somehow knew this was an exhausted but relieving cry. 

— Come here, he whispered, unsure if he wanted Hyunjin to actually hear it. 

Hyunjin did. He turned towards Chan and embraced him, in a way that made Ban Chan relax, like he was needing something like this even more. Or someone. 

Hyunjin didn’t let go for a long moment, and then just sank onto Chan’s knees, hiding his face in his tee like a cat. They were like that for a little bit, then Ban Chan asked:

— How much do you think you're gay? One to a hundred?

They laughed. 

But then Hyunjin’s smile melted, and his eyes drifted away, into his thoughts. 

— Right now, honestly? All the numbers in the math, — he sighed, — I hope it’ll pass. It just can’t be right.

—— 

After that night Ban Chan found himself watching Hyunjin closely. Maybe a little bit too much, but that’s alright for a leader, isn’t it? One of the members was upset, and he cared. Besides, he just liked watching him dance sometimes. But that was with everyone so talented — Ban Chan just admired the skill, the freedom very good artists have. Maybe a little bit too much, but that was alright. 

What was not alright is how upsetting it was to watch him with Felix. Chan was almost sure that was who Hyunjin fell for. So much attention to one person — they laughed together, they fought, they hugged — oh god, so much hugging. And Hyunjin seemed so emotional with Felix, even nervous. 

Ban Chan thought he was jealous of Felix first. He was his best friend, at last. But that just didn’t make any sense because then he would feel this way about anybody Felix hugged and laughed with, right? 

Ban Chan though about Hyunjin, dancing like flying just before he collapsed onto his knees. Then he unthought it. 

Hyunjin seemed to be a little distant, which was understandable — people tend to be a little cold after very warm and honest conversations. And that was alright, wasn’t it? There wasn’t time to think about it anyway, so Chan let it go. Relationships are always confusing, even inside family. 

—

One tiring night, maybe as tiring as any other, but maybe a little bit too much this time, Ban Chan found himself staring on the screen for twenty minutes straight with his eyes not moving. He closed them. Opened. Closed again. Sighed. 

Then put on his night playlist, turned off the screen, and finally let himself think. He still wasn’t sure why he was so nervous about Hyunjin. He thought he’d let it go, but it was still there. It was very usual to be upset if somebody in the group was upset, but this time, something was… off. It was odd, the way it was odd for Hyunjin to be crying alone. It was pissing him off. He was pissing him off. Why the fuck do I have to be so confusing, oh god! 

Chan threw the mouse against the floor, hard. Then put it back, still furious. He unlocked his phone, then locked it again. Sighed. Then unlocked and texted Felix. 

Ban Chan: You asleep?

Felix: Not yet, why? 

Ban Chan: I think I might like guys. Slightly. 

Felix: What a surprise~

Ban Chan: Are you saying you knew?

Felix: Du-uh. I’m your friend, remember?

Ban Chan: How come you knew before I did?

Felix: The way you knew I was depressed when I though I wan’t. 

Felix: Don’t worry about it. You is you, got it? It’s not a big deal. At least, shouldn’t be. You’re not in love with me though, are you? I mean, if you are, that’s alright too.

Ban Chan: Haha no. 

Felix: I wish :(

Felix: Are you in the studio?

Felix: Should I come?

Felix: be there in 20

Ban Chan: No no wait

Ban Chan: No need to come I’m just working

Felix: Are you sure?? I’m almost ready

Ban Chan: Yes I’m sure, you’re just going to distract me from work

Felix: :\

Felix: Alright, if you’re ok, but you tell me if you’re not?

Ban Chan: coz I will

Felix: We’ll talk later, ok? Messages are bullshit, you know that. Now go home sleep. And just know that you’re my bro and I love you. Even if you like guys. Slightly. And other bros love you too, no matter whether you’re telling them or not. Got it?

Ban Chan: Thank you. 

Felix: Of course. 

Felix: Now go home. 

Ban Chan locked the screen and sighed. It felt good, to tell Felix. It was equal to admitting it. It felt really, really good. 

He sat on the floor against the wall and put his head in his hands. He breathed. That was alright. He was glad he was from Australia, he would be feeling much worse if he wasn’t. Hearing people’s opinions on “not like others” here and there was not pleasant. Australia was different, and he was easy on himself. That was alright. He thought about Hyunjin, and his heart squeezed. Poor boy was suffering — there was no one to tell him it was alright. He thought`, they would need to talk again. He thought, he didn’t have to tell him though. He thought, his eyes were so beautiful when he reached for something in the air right before falling. He unthought it.   
Poor boy had a crush on somebody, so this affection would need to end before it became a problem. He thought, it’ll pass.

He flinched at the quiet knock. It was followed by another one, and he just stared at the door, puzzled, like it was talking. 

— Ban Chan — whisper, — Ban Chan, you here?

Chan wasn’t sure if he wanted to open. He wasn’t sure if he was here. 

Door opened slowly. There was enough light from the locked screen to see it was Hyunjin. 

— I heard a noise, — he hesitated, — are you alright? Why are you in the dark?

Why are you sitting on the floor looking about to cry, you’re scaring me and also breaking my heart, he though, but said nothing more. He just sat next to him. 

— You ok?

His voice so fearful, thought Ban Chan, and yet so nice to hear it. 

— Yeah, I am, — said Ban Chan. He wasn’t. 

Hyunjin reached for his hand and almost cursed himself for that, but Chan didn’t flinch and didn’t move. 

— Do you want me to go? I can go. But I can stay, — he sounded so unsure and nervous. Why?

— You can stay, — said Ban Chan and his voice cracked. He though, it was pathetic. No, pathetic was that he couldn’t move now because Hyunjin’s hand was above his for some kind of calming effect, he guessed. 

Hyunjin was so close, his blond hair almost touched his forehead, but not quite. If he leaned to the right, he could put his head on the boy’s shoulder. Although, he wasn’t the boy now. The boy was himself — he felt so vulnerable. 

— I thought about what you said back then, — he began, deciding, if he started speaking about Hyunjin and not himself, he could rid of this naked feeling. 

Hyunjin froze. He was silent, so Ban Chan continued. 

— I just wanted to say, it’s alright. It’s really alright. There is nothing wrong with that, and you are no different from who you were before. I don’t want you to feel like you are. I don’t want you to judge yourself or be afraid of what others would think. You would never be less of Hyunjin. Ever. 

Hyunjin slowly leaned to Ban Chan’s chest, hugging him now. Chan couldn’t see his face, but he guessed Hyunjin didn’t want him to — because he was crying. Oh, tears, were they good tears? He hoped they were. 

— Thank you, hyun. Thank you, really. But… How would you know? That it's alright? You can’t know that, Ban Chan, — he sounded so helpless — Ban Chan put his hands around Hyunjin’s shoulders and softly rubbed his back in calming manner. 

He considered if he should tell him. He didn’t know why wouldn’t he, but it would make him even more vulnerable. He didn’t want that, he hated that feeling. But that was unfair, he knew that, too. 

— I know because… because I might be a little bit like you. 

— Hah? — he let go, just a little bit, and turned his head. — What do you mean?

— I mean, I like guys too, — he sighed, — slightly.

Hyunjin started at him for a very long moment and then went back to his position. It was warm, to sit like that together. Ban Chan was glad he turned away and couldn’t see his face. He didn’t want him to see fear in his eyes. He didn’t want him to sense his nervousness, uncertainty. 

He thought he felt like Hyunjin was breathing faster. Hyunjin thought, if he didn’t leave right now, he could do something stupid. But he couldn’t leave. So there he was, not moving. 

Ban Chan put his arm on Hyunjin’s back. 

— Is that alright? 

— Yeah… Is that why you sat in the dark? Alone?

— Um… yes and no. Hard to say. 

— Yeah. 

Hyunjin moved away, regretting a little, but he wanted to see Chan’s eyes. 

— Are you serious, Ban Chan, or you just want to make me feel better?

— Of course I am serious, that would be really stupid to lie about something like that. 

— Yes. It would also break my heart. Don’t lie to me. Please. 

— I’m not. 

— Ok. Ok, good. 

Chan was watching him very closely. He never saw Hyunjin like that. Or, maybe, he never noticed because he didn’t think about him like that. Or maybe he was just dreaming. That would be pity because so confused, vulnerable, a little bit lost, he was so beautiful in those digital lights. He though about him stretching his hand in the flying jump right before he sank on the floor, and Chan couldn’t un-think it this time. 

— Can I ask you, Hyunjin? Who is that person?

— Are you liking somebody too, Ban Chan? Is that why you’re so sad, on the floor, in the dark? — Chan noticed Hyunjin’s hands on his bent knees just now and that made him feel goosebumps. Or maybe his question did, he couldn’t be sure. 

What Chan didn’t notice was Hyunjin’s heart, pounding so hard he was about to faint. 

— Um, yes and no? — he tried for a smile, which was pretty pathetic. 

— I’ll tell you if you tell me, deal?

Chan froze for a second, then tried:

— Then you go first. 

Hyunjin looked down. His hands were cold, Chan felt it when he rubbed his bent knee again. He wanted to warm him somehow so he put his and in his both hands, and then realized they were cold too. That was just stupid, but he didn’t want to let go. 

— I’m afraid, — Hyunjin admitted. — Can you be first?

— I’m afraid, too. — it felt good to say out loud. Maybe saying he liked Hyunjin would be too? But their relationship would never be the same, and he was never so close to him like he was now. He didn’t want to loose it. 

— What if we did it together?

Wishful thinking was silly, but what could he do about it? What if Hyunjin liked him? Really? He could say it was a joke, in the end, and then say it was somebody else. If Hyunjin would believe that. 

— Alright. Let’s do that. — he felt dizzy. 

— Ok. I’m ready. 

—Alright. 1, 2, 3 — it’s you. 

Hyunjin was quiet. He just looked at him frozen, his hand still in his. His eyes widened. 

He tricked him. Hyunjin tricked him, shit. Would that joke thing still work? He didn’t know. 

— It’s what? — he asked quietly, not believing his ears. 

— That’s just unfair, you didn’t say anything, — said Ban Chan, giving up any back up ideas. In the end, he might understand. Maybe they could still be friends. 

Hyunjin stared at him. For a long, long time, that also could have been just 20 seconds what felt like eternity. Chan thought of the joke excuse again. 

He opened his mouth so say something, he didn’t even think what he was going to say, but couldn’t say a word because Hyunjin leaned forward and their lips were touching, very, very softly. 

That would do for an answer, he thought.


End file.
